Being Irish, I'm not known for my ability to keep things brief, so I will do my best on this occasion :) I've been privileged to have recently been invited to write guest blogs for Uncovered Magazine and Mind on this very topic, so I'll be keeping this one brief as most of what I would like to write about is already contained in those articles. As they focus more on the moments of crisis and suicide attempt, I thought it might be useful to write a little bit about the actual day to day of how BPD affects my 'normal life', those around me and, most importantly, what it *really* means to live with the condition. So, if you've never read about BPD before, welcome, and if you have, feel free to skip to the Uncovered/Mind articles instead :)
What's this blog all about?
Jerold Kriesman and Hal Straus refer to BPD as "emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death."
I'm often asked by journalists to describe a "day in the life" of living with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a nearly impossible task as the very nature of it is so unpredictable that every waking moment is completely unique. However, in the interests of keeping this blog less than 94050 words long, I'm going to try to provide a little bit of insight into what it means and how it feels. If I know you personally, hopefully our interactions might make a little more sense following reading this. And if you've seen me on a stage or watched a video online, this might provide a bit of background into how I ended up there or what I was thinking during the performance ... all very scary stuff really to be sharing, but in the interests of creating awareness of BPD, I think it's important to be vulnerable as most of what is behind the disorder is often so difficult to understand when put in Pseudo~Psychological Terms.
So, you're mental then? What does that mean?
I should say at this point that I use the term 'mental' in a loving fashion. It's always tricky to find a socially acceptable way to say "I have a mental illness", and I find it quite refreshing to refer to myself to my friends as "a mentalist". So no offence meant, and none taken should you choose to use that word back to me :) However, I'm not going to get bogged down in the semantics of pejorative labelling as that would be an entire blog unto itself ~ suffice to say that I don't think there is any politically correct way of saying that you are slightly unhinged, so I shall leave it at that for now.
If you're reading this blog, then I would imagine 90% of you already know that I have BPD, and possibly quite a bit about it. I do tend to harp on as I'm a bit of an ambassador for mental illnesses, especially the ones that aren't particularly trendy or haven't quite received the same level of public understanding that things like Depression and Bipolar Disorder may have. I thought it might be useful to break down what this whole Personality Disorder business is about in layman's (or woman's ~ see how this PC thing gets everywhere? Nightmare ...) terms, so this is my humble attempt of explaining my own personal slant on it. I'm sure there are thousands out there who could do a much better job than I can, but today is the beginning of BPD Awareness Month so hopefully this blog might provide a little bit of understanding to someone who has never heard about it before. Anyway. I'm rambling again. So off we go ...
What does the term BPD actually mean?
Tricky one. It's a bit of a rubbish term explanation~wise, as the words don't technically reflect anything about the condition. For a start, the word "Borderline" doesn't mean that you are on the borderline of having a personality disorder ~ it was originally used to indicate that you are on the border of neurosis and psychosis (but I promised not to get all psycho~babblesque so will cease and desist on that point for now). Basically, it's a full blown disorder. The word Borderline is referring to something else. Then we have the very scary sounding word "Disorder" following the very personal word "Personality". It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with your personality. It simply means that that is the area that the illness affects. Which is why it's a difficult one to diagnose as it's not easy to spot people's personalities being problematic. So in a nutshell, Borderline Personality Disorder is a not very useful label for a condition which essentially means "you have difficulties with the emotional aspects of your life that cause you considerable problems on a daily basis".
Stick with me on this one, it does get easier :)
How would I know that you have it? You look 'normal' to me
In the same way that you can't spot a diabetic unless you have three meals with them, you'll not spot a Personality Disorder unless you spend a lot of time with the person. All the symptoms will show up through the cracks in social relationships and workplace environments eventually, but almost all of them will go unseen behind closed doors when the person is on their own. It is always lovely to be told that you "look normal", but equally it brings home the pain of constantly striving to "appear normal", as that is what society expects. Again, I use the term 'normal' entirely superfluously as I don't believe there is such a thing, but this blog would never get written without using such terms by way of explanation.
From a very personal standpoint, the way that you would know that I have a Personality Disorder is quite evident if you've spent a great deal of time in my presence in a pressured situation. I don't deal well with stress (which is fantastic as a full time musician) and have the world's shortest fuse when it comes to outbursts of tears or anger, often seemingly inappopriate to the situation. That's where the BPD really kicks in. Much of the way Personality Disorders manifest themselves is in a lack of ability to regulate emotion. Marsha Linehan quite expertly puts it that: "People with Borderline Personality Disorder are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."
What are the symptoms?
Again, without getting into the psychological domain, I thought it would be helpful to list the main symptoms of BPD. Not everyone has them all, nor do they have them for all their lives, but hopefully it'll give a bit of an overview of what we experience with this disorder:
1. Shifts in mood lasting only a few hours.
Anyone who knows me knows how ridiculously up and down I can get within minutes, never mind hours. Someone once referred to my behaviour as being like "the bipolar highs and lows on rapid cycle", which I thought was quite appropriate. There is often no reason for it, which is why people occassionally end up whispering in corners wondering what has happened. Don't worry. It most likely wasn't you; and if it was, it was my skewed perspective of what actually happened, as opposed to what actually happened :)
2. Anger that is inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable.
Yes, yes and yes. All of the above. I've bashed on a car window in a car park when I thought they were taking a space that they shouldn't have, and have stormed out of more workplaces than I can remember. We aren't an angry people though I hasten to add. The explosive nature means that it lasts for a few mere seconds, then it is gone, and the guilt kicks in. It's a bit like our head has no pressure valve for containing anger and it needs to be released quickly. But more likely than not, it becomes self-inflicted through self-harm, self-deprecation or self-loathing. Or all of the above.
3. Self-destructive acts, such as self-mutilation or suicidal threats and gestures that happen more than once
In my teens I used self~harm as a way of releasing emotion that I didn't have words for. In my twenties it turned into using eating as a control mechanism. The suicide attempt also came out of a period of intense emotion and self~hatred, so I think it's fair to say that these are pretty high on the list of BPD symptoms for just about all who live with it.
4. Two potentially self-damaging impulsive behaviors. These could include alcohol and other drug abuse, compulsive spending, gambling, eating disorders, shoplifting, reckless driving, compulsive sexual behavior.
I am ridiculously impulsive. Leave a pink fluffy thing for sale at the checkout and you'll find it in my basket. I have been known to raid Primark (which, for the record, is pronounced 'Pree-mark' not 'Pry-mark' despite what my now~fellow~countrymen might say ... it's originally an Irish Company [Penneys], and we Irish pronounce the UK version Pree, not Pri, so there :) on many an occassion coming out with brown paper bags brimming with things I'll most likely wear once and putting myself into the overdraft. I have also struggled with an eating disorder over the last year or so, and earlier in my twenties, so the impulsive behaviours are definitely a bit of a giveaway.
5. Marked, persistent identity disturbance shown by uncertainty in at least two areas. These areas can include self-image, sexual orientation, career choice or other long-term goals, friendships, values.
People with Borderline Personality Disorder often feel like they don't know who they are, or what they think, or what their opinions are. Instead, they try to be what they think other people want them to be. Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder said, "I have a hard time figuring out my personality. I tend to be whomever I'm with." I am exactly the same. If I'm alone with you, I'll be bouncing your personality right back at you, which most people find incredibly uncomfortable. If I'm in a group situation the whole thing becomes intolerable as you literally don't know which person to be, which in itself can lead to self~hatred at the fact that you don't have an identity of your own. People think that as a musician I must have a very strong sense of self, but I really don't. Take all my instruments and stage persona away and there is a very empty shell of a non~person left behind. Which is quite possibly why I chose a career with a very definite sense of 'self' on stage, except that self becomes more of a caricature in person and can only truly be found in the lyrics of songs like Colour Me In, which is all about having no identity (as I discovered years after writing it :).
6. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom.
Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder also said, "I remember describing the feeling of having a deep hole in my stomach. An emptiness that I didn't know how to fill. My therapist told me that was from almost a "lack of a life". The more things you get into your life, the more relationships you get involved in, all of that fills that hole. As a borderline, I had no life. There were times when I couldn't stay in the same room with other people. It almost felt like what I think a panic attack would feel like."
I can't count the number of new hobbies/instruments I've taken up with great enthusiasm only to get bored a few weeks or months later. Life is a perpetual cycle of trying to fill an unknown void that makes very little sense, and can't be filled by 'new things'. In the past twelve months I have taken up sewing, knitting, embroidery, crocheting, felting, geocaching and many more that I can't even remember ~ all with great intent and passion at the time. But as with most things I take up, they end up lying in a cupboard half~finished as they don't quite fill that gaping hole. Music has been pretty much the only thing that I haven't given up on because it became too hard or required more attention than I was willing to give it ~ but in saying that, I have been guilty of letting my songwriting go to the back burner for over a year for this very reason. Which is a bit rubbish really. [Note to self: write more songs]
7. Unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting.
I have friends, I have enemies. Nothing inbetween. In the head of most people with BPD, you end up in one of two camps: good or bad (called splitting). There is no middle ground, no grey area, and no hope of being shifted from one place to the other for A Very Long Time if something catastrophic happens. I imagine that the world hates me, so I try to be the best kind of person to everyone I meet in the hope that it might change its mind, and when that fails, I expect them to hate me, and often that's how I feel in response. So most of the people who are in 'the bad camp' have done very little to deserve being there. It's simply that in my head there are only those two places, and I imagine myself to be in 'the bad one' to the rest of the world, forever.
8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Yep, real or imagined. Usually the latter, but it always feels like the former. My long~suffering other half often jokes that I'm the stereotypical Borderline when it comes to this one ~ "LEAVE ME ALONE!! Wait ... where are you going?? .."
I have massive issues with abandonment. Huge. It was therapy issue #1, and will probably continue to be for the rest of my days. If I meet someone I like and trust, they will at some point abandon me. Imagine how that feels for the people I do meet, when all my interactions are based on that thought? I often feel the most guilt around my close friends and family as that is the basis upon which I am built, meaning that they have the impossible task of 'not abandoning'. This is a large part of my even bigger problem with Separation Anxiety, which was actually the first symptom of BPD that I can trace way back to when I was 10/11 years old, and still haunts me at the ripe old age of 32.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
Basically this just means feeling completely "out of it," or not being able to remember what you said or did, usually in times of severe stress. Not like being incredibly drunk I might add. It's a very sinister and frightening feeling which I've only experienced a few times in my life, but when I did, it was absolutely terrifying as you literally have no recollection of what just took place - sometimes for hours, days or even weeks. And the world is always out to get me, no matter what anyone may say.
On the flip side, people with Borderline Personality Disorder also have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, creativity, insight and empathy, which is the one part of the disorder that I wouldn't change :)
What was that about this being a short blog again?
I know, I know. Rubbish. I do tend to meander both on stage between songs and when typing away merrily at my keys. I should point out that the reason I have sat down to write this blog today is because I have been moping around all afternoon not knowing what to do, feeling incredibly empty, unsure of who I am or what I'm doing in life, and feeling entirely disconnected from the world. The interweb has saved my life in many of the same ways that music has. And if you've managed to make it all the way down to the end of this post [hurrah! well done! kudos to you my friend], then you have made a massive difference to my life today. Knowing that these words, vulnerable~making and painful as they are to write, will be read by others who understand or have a desire to understand makes the hole inside just a little bit tinier.
I have the latest episode of Dr Who on pause so you will forgive me if I now get back to filling the emptiness with The Silent instead ... thank you so much for taking the time to read my ridiculous meanderings today. It is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness month, and I hope that this has helped make BPD a little bit more understandable (even if I am not :) I'm much better at writing songs about BPD than writing words about it, so I hope this has made a little bit of sense.
Love, hope and blessings to those who live with hidden illnesses, and to those who hold their hands today,
Kayla xx
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